Meeting a person in grief…

I always found it difficult to pay a condolence visit or send a message to the person in grief.. I didn’t know what to do or say to help. I always thought it wouldn’t help overcome the pain. I understand it now as I go through the same… these are my experiences and thoughts, I may be right or wrong, I may be too sensitive and may be angry, sad, lost at the moment… as I am still trying to accept the reality.. It is too fresh for me and my family…so when you are planning to meet me or anyone grieving… Please…

1: Do not come for formality.. you don’t have to if you don’t feel it. Same goes to the messages or texts.

2: Do not ask me questions, what, how, when, whys.. It is painful for me to think about it and answer your questions… Some people may just take it as a matter of conversation. for me its a sad reality that I do not want to relive.

3: Do not ask “How are you?” just for the sake of it.. coz I will never be able to say, “I am fine”..

4: Do not send messages through whatsapp and facebook when your current pages and profile pictures are showing celebrations and joys.. I understand not all go through the same pain as me, but if you are genuinely concerned, you are a part of my inner circle, you will also put a halt on your festivities… or atleast make it private… for some time…

5: Do not expect me to reply or respond back to your calls/texts/messages. I will take time and all I expect is to be understood. I may take a few days or months or years. Please understand. Don’t expect a sudden change.

6: Please do not share jokes and funny messages at this time, especially, definitely not about the cause due to which I lost my loved one… I lost him to Covid and it is a painful reality for me. I do not want to come across any home remedies, jokes or facts on Covid.

7: God… people like me feel betrayed at the moment. Please keep it to yourself… Topic of God can be too sensitive for me..

8: Do not compare grief… you don’t know what me or others are going through. This pain can never be measured.

9: Please don’t share statistics, numbers, social aspects like actions taken by the government on this issue with the griever. Especially when the loss is too fresh. Example, I really don’t want to hear how many deaths Covid is causing or actions taken/not taken by the government etc.. for me it is not a number, our entire world is shaken due to the loss.

I will appreciate if you…

Come to me with a genuine feeling.. words are not needed.. just hold my hand or hear me out.. I am not expecting any solutions from you.. Instead of asking, “How are you?” say, how are you coping up, how is the pain, what can I do for you etc… at times you may help me by staying away, giving me time. I may not be ready to meet you all the time.. I do not have any topics of conversation, all I have is sadness and tears and I may not be willing to give it to you by having you with me. please tolerate my actions, give me the benefit of doubt. I may be going through a huge emotional turmoil. I may laugh but it doesn’t take away the sadness hidden behind all the laughter…

Just understand… empathy is a difficult feeling and sympathy is what I don’t need…