I am trying…
In a few hours it will be a month…
I remember the first day… 4:00am I was holding the phone in my hand as that was the only way I could stay in touch with him. I was alone, scared and worried.. I knew the condition was deteriorating, just a few hours ago, it went from bad to worst… I had all the “holy” material around me, I was praying as much as I could, I was forcing myself to think or visualize good things.. forcing myself to imagine him coming out of the hospital healthy and happy, imagine my sister-in-law smiling with joy and his kids playing with him, imagine my mom’s hand on his head blessing him a long and happy life…
Suddenly my heart skipped a few beats, I felt a sudden brush of sadness and extreme grief. Palpitations were so much that I was having forced coughs. I knew something happened, something very bad, unimaginable…. And I got a message. Those words that I never wanted to hear or read… “he is gone forever…”
I am crying as I am preparing this post. But I will keep doing it, no matter what. Because he wanted me to write, it was his dream for me… What an unfortunate sister I am to write in his absence, on his … parting.
The pain was excruciating, the feelings were mixed… sadness of losing him forever, anger of why he left, scare of how we’ll survive, especially mom, sister-in-law and his kids.. I wanted to scream, I wanted to curse the “so called God” for snatching three family members from us in just a few days. Dada’s (my brother) passing was the toughest for us as after losing two uncles, we were hoping he’d survive… I cried…
As time is passing, I am finding myself weaker and weaker.. reality is hitting me harder now. I was living in a denial mode but slowly the veil is lifting. I want to believe that he is still with us, but the truth is harsh… a part of mine is cut off and life will never be the same ever…
There Were No Goodbyes... 