Am I Selfish?

It was a text message that gave me the “news”… I am one of those very unfortunate sibling, a sister, who was far far away from the brother while he was suffering, fighting for his life. All I had was a phone. One by one, we were losing members in the family and he was our last hope.. all through this time, what I had was.. a phone… I kept getting such texts, I kept feeling helpless, I kept blaming myself for not being there… COVID wouldn’t let me go…

The worst part of this distance is all you are left doing is waiting and praying.. all you have is a phone… and while you keep checking the messages, you keep arranging for all those things that are in your control, you don’t want to receive “that news”..

I was not there for him, I could not help him, I could not see him or talk to him… It is still difficult for me to accept what happened. I know the pain and hurt is immensely bigger for our mom, my sister in law and my nephews.. They are forced to survive without him. And I am surviving, forced to live for them, who are left behind. I can’t cry or be weak when I talk to them. I need to work on helping their present and their future. I need to work on fulfilling the responsibilities he left for me..

Having said this, doesn’t mean that I am not grieving? Loss of a sibling is like cutting a part of your body, separating it forever, that too without any painkiller or soothing treatment… Its just taken away without your permission and you have to survive without it now. Which will remind you about about his absence throughout your life… its excruciatingly painful, for life…

I have received many messages and calls (most of which I don’t answer) from people.. all I hear is their concern for the rest of the family. Which is fine, I know they need much more support, I know they are living in a much more difficult situation, I know they are in much bigger grief than me.. I know… and I am trying my best to help them and I will continue doing this for as long as I live… but people never ask about me… how this sister is surviving? They think my life must have come back to normal by now…

I feel like telling them that I lost someone too and that my life will never be normal ever. This pain and grief will never go.. I have lost a part of me too. But as soon as this thought comes to me, I start blaming myself for “thinking about myself even during such a difficult time for my family”. Am I selfish??? Yes I am… all I need is some understanding and love…