Stay Strong?!?

“Its been more than a month now, come out of it and be strong.” This is what I hear from people all the time! I wish I could tell them that grief is very personal and it doesn’t have a time line or a time limit.. Only the one losing a loved one can understand the pain one goes through the entire life.. I wish I could tell them, “yes, I am strong…”

He was suffering in the hospital far far away from me. I stayed here, with my phone.. taking all the updates, asking about him all the time. His condition kept deteriorating and all I had, was a phone in my hand… Travelling was not allowed due to COVID, but try convincing a sister who knew she is losing her brother forever? All the practical reasons fail when a loved one passes away.. He finally left the world after a long and tough fight.. and I was here with my phone… I am still here… with all the guilt and suffering… doesn’t this prove that “I am strong”?

I talk to my mom every day.. She had lost her husband (our dad) when she was very young, we were just kids then. Just when things started looking bright and happy, she lost her only son… I call her from oceans apart, just to hear her voice and absorb all her pain. I keep listening to her, without giving a hint of my grief, always controlled myself from saying, ” Maa, I am missing him too..” Doesn’t this prove that I am strong?

It needs immense strength and self-control to talk to his wife, now a widow… My sister in law has proved her extreme love for him by the way she took care of him till his last breath. She never imagined this could happen to her… she is also a mom of two very young kids who lost their dad just as we did… I didn’t go to hold their hands, give them a hug and a shoulder to cry on… I am still here with my phone, calling them every day. Trying to make them smile, knowing that these efforts will not help at all… I still try… Am I not strong?

There is a big different in looking normal and being normal. I spend the entire day fulfilling my duties and responsibilities. Hiding my tears, sometimes even posing a fake smile… I feel the pain of losing the deepest part of me… my life… I hear his voice, I feel he will come back and say, “Surprise, I tricked you!” And I will get mad at him, like I used to.. I feel its all a bad dream and soon I will open my eyes and see him by my side… I know this will never happen, he will never come back. I knew I loved him but the extent is felt now, in his absence.. I can’t imagine my existence without him, it is suffocating, I want to go but I am still surviving, living, existing for those whom he has left behind.. Doesn’t this prove that I am strong?

Sometimes just being there, is a sign of strength… Only those who have lost someone they deeply loved, will understand this… I wish I could tell the world that I am strong…